Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Alright, play it again

Next Update: LIBRARY OF MONSTERS, Pt. 2, tomorrow or some other time

also has anybody else ever noticed this

Friday, October 8, 2010


Let's learn more about Apes and Monsters from this book from 1977
The Ape is a type of medium-size monster, mostly found in jungles and zoos.  They are known for their aggressive policy towards pursuit of bananas.  Their diet consists mostly of bananas and smaller monsters.  They might sometimes look like a human, but don't be fooled!  They are not humans and will try to kill you.  Some people believe that apes eventually transformed into humans.  Other people think that an ape could not have changed into a human.  In conclusion, nobody will ever know whether or not an ape is capable of transforming into a human.
This is a picture of my dog Banzai eating a bug.  Banzai is a type of small monster that I learned through this book is the first ape.
Banzai is a type of small, neurotic monster found mostly in my house.  His likes include human food and his dislikes include vacuums and loud sudden noises.

This is another picture of Banzai.  Normally Banzai stays on the ground but in this picture he has climbed into a tree.
These two Banzais have climbed into a tree together.  This type of Banzai is known as the Tree Shrew.  Tree Shrew's combat moves include "an ability to make a wide range of sounds, from shrill screams to bird-like twittering".  

This monster is called a Bushbaby.  The Bushbaby is a "bad-tempered animal, quite unsuitable for keeping as a pet".  They are hungry all the time, exceptionally aggressive and are known for literally constantly pissing all over their own hands and feet,
This creature looks like a Malaysian folklore spirit or early Yoda concept art but apparently it actually exists somewhere
This is what it looks like after it has fed

Look at this horrifying thing.  This freakish creature is known as the Aye-Aye, with long fingers perfect for grabbing and strangling.  If God there be, surely He created this creature in nightmare
Moronic Red-Face Ape.  "It was discovered by accident in an American zoo that the red coloring of their faces is only maintained if they sun themselves regularly.  If they are kept in indoor cages their red faces fade to pink."  This ape is so stupid it lies around in the sun until its bald head is blisteringly red and sunburned.  Let's move on before I make myself sick

Hooting Idiot Ape, often found on public transit systems and sports areas
Another idiot creature, great job "God"

Hobgoblin.  These are the world's most popular monkey-pet, and are shipped in great numbers from the jungles of South America.  Unfortunately many "die in the course of their journey to the pet shops.  The reason for this is that these monkeys have a lot of internal parasites, usually kept in check by their free and healthy life.  The shock of capture and confinement in a cage, and the loss of health through lack of the right foods combine to weaken the monkey's system so that it cannot combat the parasites."

This strange type of Ape has a penis for a nose
the infrequently-glimpsed Sauna Yeti

And that's all you need to know about Apes!


Dungeon Smashing Empire is a creative partnership

- Dungeon Smash


These are strips from the ongoing comics series "Dungeon Quest"

Thursday, October 7, 2010


2. Disease
4. Drunkenness
5. Drunken Sex
6. Angry Sex
7. Skulls
8. Fire
9. Blowjobs
10. Guns
11. Whiskey
12. Satanism
13. Scalping
14. Leather (black)
15. Axes
16. Fuck it, weaponry in general
20. ICE
21. BEARS (polar)
22. Norway / Iceland
23. Swamps
24. Vikings
25. Nazis
26. Wizards
27. Trolls
28. Titans
29. Barbarians
30. Orcs
31. Cannibalism
32. Gory stuff
33. Murder
34. Spikes
35. Shrapnel
36. Industrial accidents
37. Murder-suicide
38. Prison
39. Sodomy
40. Spanish Inquisition
41. Salem Witch Trials
42. Bikers
43. Rudeness
44. the phrase “Bonecrushing”
45. Necromancers
46. Nuclear Fallout
47. Berserkers
48. Gaping wounds
49. Slaughterhouses
50. Volcanoes
51. Death-toll-based drinking games
52. Burning to death
53. Whips
54. Large canine beasts
55. Dwarves
56. Forced prostitution
57. Sexually Transmitted Diseases
58. Mountains
59. A blizzard
60. Black (color)
61. Pelts
62. Slavery
63. Dungeons
64. Executioner
65. Jailors
66. Hanging/Lynching
67. Beheading
68. Medical Experimentation
69. Insanity
70. Torture
71. Undead
72. Multiple Stab Wounds
73. Human freaks
74. the show “Thundarr the Barbarian”
75. Deserts
76. Death by boner
77. Skeletons
78. Mass graves
79. Khorne
80. Crom
81. Improvised weapons
82. Slow-motion death
83. “Faces of Death” video series
84. Castration
85. Killing cute shit
86. Burning churches
87. Infanticide
88. Tyrannosaurus Rex
89. Velociraptors
90. That part in “the Patriot” where the cannon takes all the dude’s legs off
91. Explosions
92. Explosives
93. Legendary weapons
94. That part in “Kingdom of Heaven” where that guy gets shot in the neck with a crossbow and gets back up
95. Mandatory abortions
96. Falling in acid
97. Chasing down fleeing people
98. Burning oil
99. Cavemen
100. Swarms of sewer rats
101. Natural disasters
102. Marines from the movie “Aliens”
103. Flaying
104. Smashing rocks
105. Cutting of pieces of body with scissors
106. Guillotines
107. Bloody shits
108. Finding body parts in vomit
109. the movie “Roadwarrior”
110. White supremacy
111. Torches
112. Flamethrowers
113. Vietnam
114. Genocide
115. Destroying the environment / ecocide
116. Taking someone’s heart out
117. Faces melting
118. The Rape of Nanking
119. The Holocaust
120. The Black Plague
121. “Apocalyptico”
122. Tomohawks flying into heads
123. Frank Frazetta
124. Death Dealer
125. Slitting throats
126. Flesh-eating viruses
127. Vultures
128. A lot of shit from Indiana Jones
129. Ape attacks
130. Involuntary immolation
131. Ape attacks
132. Involuntary immolation
133. Involuntary breeding programs
134. Nasty wyverns
135. “Golden Axe 2”
136. The game “Legend”
137. Sewers
138. Ratmen
139. Mutants
140. Coprophilia
141. Coprophagia
142. Necrophilia
143. Necrophagia
144. Wild boars
145. Robonocerous
146. Dying cold & alone
147. Antarctica except for penguins
148. the Siege at Waco
149. Jonestown Suicide
150. “Titus Andronicus”
151. Cormac McCarthy
152. Black Lotus
153. the scene in “Beavis & Butthead Do America” where they take hallucinogens
154. Dattura
155. Cthulhu
156. Diablo
157. Diablo II
158. Sexy Daemonettes
159. Dwarf Fortress
160. Big scaly demons
161. Arena combat
162. Burning effigies
163. Not voting
164. Very bloody revolutions
165. Weapon dealers
166. Third-World Countries
167. Ancient Egypt
168. Eating testicles like grapes
169. Scavenging
170. The Black Knight
171. A coffin made of amps
172. Bone horses
173. Bone warriors
174. Devil from “Fantasia”
175. Festering
176. Writhing maggots
177. The burn ward
178. Scorpions
179. Mortal Kombat
180. Scorpion from Mortal Kombat
181. Dragging across field by nipples
182. Vengeance
183. Infant field goal
184. Machiavelli
185. Nailing intestines to a post and making person run around post
186. Drowning in blood
187. Drowning in piss
188. Acid piss
189. Wearing someone’s skin
190. Muscle cars
191. Black holes
192. Curb-stomping
193. Chainsaws
194. Compound fractures
195. Forced showing of disgusting pornography
196. Goatse’ing your dad
197. Glass in the ass
198. Nurgle
199. Eyeball (out of socket)
200. Satan
201. Sewing flesh
202. Blinding someone
203. Glorious death
204. Riding to battle
205. Landmines
206. Mustard gas
207. Snapping dicks
208. The sound/feeling of bone hitting cement
209. Smashing a bottle on someone
210. Dark magic
211. Aztecs
212. Grapeshot
213. Rape-murder
214. Being frozen in a block of ice and then being smashed
215. Battle cry
216. Meat hooks
217. Bleakness
218. Agony
219. Bloodlust
220. Fitzcarraldo
221. Aguirre: The Wrath of God
222. Blending someone’s hand/face/junk
223. Smashing someone’s face into a grill

That's 223 things, which if you multiply it by 3 (the number of Satan's heads) = 666.
If you want to randomly generate a Metal Thing, you need to get 1 six-sided dice and two ten-sided dice.  Roll them thusly:
Six-Sided Dice:
1 - 2: 0
3 - 4: 1
5 - 6: 2
This will be the hundreds place.

Ten-sided 1:
Tens place

Ten-sised 2:
Ones place



Tin-Foil Chicken
1 6 - 8 pound chicken
1 tablespoon mixed salt, rosemary and garlic pepper
Sheet of tin foil
DIY aesthetic
Contempt for societal mores

1. Rub the chicken down thoroughly with spices
2. Burn down a church built on a heathen hof
3. Wrap the chicken in tin foil, and inter it in the smoldering ashes
4. Kill your bandmate

Cereal bowl
Existential angst
Unhealthy holocaust fixation

1. Maintain artistic integrity by buying the lowest-quality cereal and milk possible
2. Evoke a minimalist atmosphere by adding only one or two flakes of cereal in the bowl and no milk
3. Take a lo-fi photo of the cereal and release 10 copies on a limited basis with no promotion
4. Later disavow it utterly, citing crass commercialization as being corruptive to your creative intent
5. Commit ignominious suicide

Frozen Turkey
8 - 14 pound turkey

1. Empty your freezer of all other foodstuff
2. Place the turkey inside.  Close the freezer door, entombing the turkey corpse in complete darkness, cold, alone.
3. Let it lie for 100 years.
4. Distance yourself emotionally from friends and family
5. Exhume the turkey.  Gnaw it in the dark, isolated from all others.  Savor the frost

Idea for Suckling Pig-Roasting Method

1. The Thane stands in the middle.  Atop his head is a crown-brazier, piled high with flaming coals.  The coals burn his head; stinging sweat runs into his eyes and the heat is often nigh unbearable.
2. To either side must be placed a stout theow of unusual height.  These will be amongst the most valued of the thane's warriors.  Their helms support the spit.  
3. The spit is threaded through the rotaries of both spit-theow's helmet-poles.  It is about twelve feet of steel.
4. Suckling pig is spitted here, and is roasted by the flames from the thane's burning crown.  Pig can also be replaced by a lamb or several chickens.
5. Thralls on each side stand upon one another's shoulders in order to reach the turn for the spit.  Generally it requires three thralls, although it may be less if one is of unusual height.  This is rare; most thralls are bent-backed and sickly.  They must constantly ensure that the spit is turned so that the pig cooks evenly, or else they will suffer torment and death.  The turn-thrall on the bottom is accounted the lowest of all men.